Epiphany

Today I had an epiphany...well, several actually. But I'm only going to talk about one for now because it is the one that can most easily be put into words, and because it relates to the day. Today is Valentine's Day (at least, it is for the next 50 minutes or so); and I have been throwing myself a pity party of royal proportions for the better part of this week. Not just because of Valentine's Day, mind you. In fact, some of my reasons are legitimate.....but most of them are just plain stupid and short-sighted.

Basically, I've been feeling bad for myself because I'm not in a relationship. My favorite thing to say these days is "I'm 23 years old, and I've never even been on a date!". While that is true and even hearing the words in my head is a bit like a slap in the face, it's also unnecessary. Like many girls my age, my main focus recently has been on the fact that I want to get married and have a family. After all, I do believe that God placed the desire in my heart and it is one of my "callings" as a woman ("be fruitful and multiply" and all that). And I do believe that it is a righteous desire.

However, in the midst of all the self-pity, I've forgotten something very important. Life doesn't stop while I'm in "limbo". Just because I'm single doesn't mean that my life hasn't started yet or that nothing I do right now doesn't matter. I keep thinking that it's what I do once I'm married and my "life has begun" that God will "judge" me on--how well I raise my children, how good of a wife I am, etc. etc. In many ways I've come to these conclusions without even knowing it. But today it hit me like a ton of bricks that I haven't been being intentional about living a righteous life that is pleasing to my Father. Not that I've done anything "bad", but that isn't the point. The point is that I haven't been doing this:

¹⁹ This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; ²⁰ for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. ²¹ Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls. ²² But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. ²³ For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; ²⁴ for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. ²⁵ But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.

²⁶ If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.

²⁷ Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. 

James 1:19-27

 I should be actively looking for ways to make God first in my life and ways to further his purposes, instead of just sitting around pining for my future husband. Because the harsh reality is that I may never get married. And if that is the case I will be in "limbo" for a loooonnnnggg time. OR (thank goodness there is another option), I can spend that time being the very best single person I can be. I mean, let's face it--some of the most admirable women in history have been single: Mother Teresa, Amy Carmichael, Helen Keller, Jane Austen. In fact, Jane Austen's gravestone has a lovely inscription on it, written by her brother, proclaiming her lovely qualities:

In Memory of
JANE AUSTEN,
youngest daughter of the late
Revd GEORGE AUSTEN,
formerly Rector of Steventon in this County She departed this Life on the 18th of July1817, aged 41, after a long illness supported with the patience and hopes of a Christian.

The benevolence of her heart,
the sweetness of her temper, and
the extraordinary endowments of her mind obtained the regard of all who knew her and the warmest love of her intimate connections.
Their grief is in proportion to their affection they know their loss to be irreparable,
but in their deepest affliction they are consoled by a firm though humble hope that her charity, devotion, faith and purity have rendered
her soul acceptable in the sight of her
REDEEMER.

 

 

If, at the end of my life, people have such wonderful things to say about me and I have made that much of an impact on the people around me then my life will have been well spent.

 

Basically what I'm saying in all of this is that I'm slowly learning to be content as a single woman. I certainly hope that I get to experience marriage one day, but I'm also not going to wait around for it to come with the hope that it will "complete me". I need to be complete in Christ and discover the things that He would want me to do now with my life.